Unpacking Forgiveness: A Book Review

If you live in this world, it's a given that at some point, you will offend someone else. The other reality that is much more obvious to us is that if we live in this world, someone else will offend us. Recent events around me have reminded me just how critical it is that we continue to grapple with this great challenge of repentance when we have offended and forgiveness when we have been offended. I'm an observer of one whose life is crumbling around her because she will not forgive wrongs--real and perceived--that have been committed against her in the past. And I'm watching as a church self-destructs because its members have so little understanding of these two most important things. Jesus teaches us to pray, "Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors," and the health of our Christian lives certainly depends on our genuineness as we pray this and implement it in our lives.

So if there is anyone out there who is still looking for a New Year's resolution, I have a suggestion, and it's a relatively easy one to accomplish: read Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds by Chris Brauns. I used to work in a Christian bookstore, and I can tell you from experience that there is no shortage of books by Christians on this subject. But Brauns sets his book apart from others early on when he points out the truth that our definition of forgiveness must be based on how God defines it: "The first thing to do in developing an understanding of how we should forgive one another is to understand how God forgives us. This simplifies defining forgiveness because the Bible says far more about how God forgives people than it does about how people should forgive people."

Brauns describes the characteristics of God's forgiveness: it is gracious but not free; it is conditional, in that only those who repent and believe are saved; it is a commitment by God to those he forgives; it lays the groundwork for and begins the process of reconciliation; it does not mean the elimination of all consequences. The rest of the book "unpacks" this definition as Brauns writes with pastoral empathy, great clarity, winsomeness, and, at times, with humor. He contrasts his own understanding of forgiveness with the idea of therapeutic forgiveness, a concept introduced by author Lewis Smedes. For Smedes, forgiveness means letting go of anger and bitterness over a real or perceived offense. Brauns points out the flaws in this view that is widely held by many Christians.

One of the points Brauns drives home that made an impression with me is the urgency of reconciling with those who have offended us. He spends several chapters explaining Matthew 18, a key chapter that addresses how Christians should be reconciled when a relationship has been broken. He gives the example of two women who have been friends for years. One becomes angry at the other when she learns she has been talking about her behind her back. The one who has been offended approaches the other, who refuses to apologize. The offended friend then takes her case to an elder in her church, who counsels her to just let it go. The author then asks readers what the offended friend should do and gives these options: go to her house and hug her; write a loving note but give her friend some space; keep her distance and not communicate at all; or other.

After setting this scenario, though, Brauns continues with the anecdote. The offended friend learns that the only daughter of the friend who has offended has been tragically killed in a car accident. Brauns asks readers what the offended friend should do, giving the previous options. He explains that most people answer that she should go to her sorrowing friend and hug her, without delay. He concludes:

"The point from Matthew 18 is that [the offended friend] should have had that same level of urgency before the tragedy. . . .  She should have gone to [her friend] and hugged her in the first place. Christians should urgently pursue conflict resolution all the time."

Brauns also provides practical wisdom on matters such as what to do when someone is unrepentant, how to combat bitterness, how to stop thinking about a hurtful situation, and what to do when we just can't agree.

Unpacking Forgiveness is available at many booksellers, but my favorite one is right here.