On Apologies

"Love means never having to say you're sorry," the weeping Jenny says to her young husband, Oliver, in Love Story.

Oh, Jenny. That's sweet, but I don't think so. In fact, just the opposite. If we love someone, we will say we're sorry. And the longer the relationship lasts, the more times we'll say it. In fact, the length of a relationship, I would think, would depend on the number of times the loving parties are willing to say they are sorry.

Apologies are a rare and wonderful thing. I don't give them nearly as often as I should, but I'm getting better at it as I grow older. One of my child-rearing regrets is that I didn't emphasize it enough in training my children. It's a hard thing for all of us--and for some it seems nearly impossible. Those for whom it seems nearly impossible don't appear to have a lot of close relationships--with family or friends.

An apology is an admission that we've done something wrong, that we've messed up in some way, that we understand that we've done damage to a relationship, that this is step 1 in fixing things. For those of us who understand our sin and misery, it should be something we do on a nearly everyday basis. Because we mess up. All the time.We offend God and the people around us--not necessarily because we want to (sometimes, sadly, we do) but because we are so focused on ourselves and what we want, that, as one of my kids' elementary teachers once put it, we have a huge Y in our hearts (you know--Jesus, Others, and You--joy), so we steal joy from others and ourselves. An apology that never comes leaves an open wound that will never completely heal, but one offered up genuinely, sincerely, and humbly can bring healing, peace, hope, and restoration. And while maybe a relationship isn't what it once was or could be, at least it isn't completely broken.

It's interesting that the Bible has so much to say about forgiveness, but it doesn't seem to have a lot to say about apologizing. Jesus teaches us to pray, "Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors," showing us that there is a relationship between forgiving and being forgiven. His instructions seem often to be directed toward those who must do the forgiving rather than those who do the offending. In the famous Matthew 18 passage, the instructions come to the offended one, who bears the responsibility of confronting the one who has sinned against him. Jesus tells his disciples to rebuke one who has offended them, and if he repents, forgive him (Luke 17:3).

So it would seem that Jesus is saying that we can forgive only if someone repents. And oh how I would welcome the opportunity to forgive some of the outstanding apologies I've been waiting for but expect never to receive. To forgive should be a piece of cake--much easier than carrying around hurt feelings and trying to maintain strained relationships. And so I wait and pray that should these anticipated apologies ever come, I will follow the pattern of my heavenly Father, who forgives completely and endlessly when we ask him to.

Oddly enough, there are some who do refuse to forgive. They treat this rare creature--the apology--like it is cheap and common. They refuse to accept an apology genuinely offered, or they force the offender to continue apologizing--over and over again, usually for the same offense--forgetting that seventy times seven is the number of times a person should forgive and not the number of times someone should apologize for a single offense. They may have received a flesh wound from the offender, but their refusal to forgive wounds the offender far more seriously and deeply. "Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors," Jesus says, and those who refuse to offer forgiveness when an apology has been extended can have no expectations that God will forgive them. They should think about how often they offend and stand in need of forgiveness themselves and how their Father has never refused their sincere repentance. They should see a sincere apology as the treasure it truly is and not treat it as a trinket from the dollar store that is easily lost or broken.

Apologies become necessary because of pride, selfishness, and ignorance, but they are forged in the heat and light of humility, selflessness, and wisdom. Yet with all the effort and energy it takes to craft an apology, it should never be displayed on a mantel like a trophy for all the world to see. Should we ever receive one, it should quietly, gently be tucked away deep in our hearts to be remembered, but never to be taken out again. But out of our hearts should come the stream that trickles from its source, God's heavenly ocean of forgiveness.