When They're Down Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about our duty to reach out to others when they're going through a time of pain. We tend to think in terms of whether we should help someone or not when, in fact, it really isn't an option for us as believers. In 2 Corinthians 1:4, Paul tells us that God comforts us in all of our troubles so that in turn we can comfort others who are in trouble. Sometimes we persuade ourselves that our help isn't necessary--maybe the sufferer has a supportive family or maybe we assume that there really isn't anything that we can do, and there are probably others who will pick up the slack.

But if we were all soldiers fighting a literal war and one of our comrades was injured, we wouldn't stop to say, "Do you need help?" If we were passing by and saw someone bleeding, we (hopefully) wouldn't keep on going because we figured the next person who came by would take care of the situation. We need to feel that same sense of obligation for those going through life's injuries.

Do you know anyone experiencing the following:

Death of spouse

Death of close family member

Divorce

Marital separation

Jail term of close family member

Personal injury or illness

Loss of job due to termination

Change in financial state

If you do, then you know someone who needs help. These circumstances are among the most stressful life events that a person can experience. So the question isn't whether people in one of these situations needs help--they do; rather, the question is what position are you in to offer assistance. What can you do?

Assistance is as individual as the need. We need to be creative about helping others. Put yourself in their position, as best you can, and think about what you might need in that situation. Ask that person how he or she is doing and really listen. As you pay attention, you may get an idea of how you can help. Above all, don't just say, "Let me know if you need help." Simply saying that doesn't mean you've now done your duty. People who need help don't know what you are willing and able to do. And sometimes they're too emotionally weak to even ask for help or know what they need until you suggest it. Open-ended offers are no offers at all.

Here are some of the creative ways that people are helping others:

~Henry and I were recently visiting with an elderly couple. The husband is terminally ill and is so weak he is barely able to talk any more. The wife was telling us that a young couple--fairly new to our church--was asking them  if they could be of help in any way. The incident occurred earlier this fall, so the younger man asked if he and his wife could come rake their leaves. And with gratitude, the older couple accepted their offer. I love how the younger man made his offer real by stating something specific.

~A family in our church has had a very difficult year. The problems of job loss were compounded when our friend fell and shattered his elbow. The family heats their house with a wood furnace, and winter is upon us. On two Saturdays, members of the youth group and their leader cut wood, and this past Saturday a group of men got them well stocked so that they will be able to get through most of the winter now.

~A friend with a large family has had to take on a part-time job to make ends meet while her husband is out of work.  One day another woman from our church just showed up at her door with lasagna and bread for the family's dinner. Note--she just took action and didn't even ask my friend if she needed help or would like a meal.

 ~After my first husband died, I was single parenting two small children. Our pastor and his wife set aside an afternoon a week to take care of my kids so that I could run errands, get groceries--do things I needed to do child-free.

 ~Before I was married to Henry and while the kids and I were at our previous church, a deacon called me to see if we had any needs. I explained that we really had no financial needs at that point but that I would appreciate it if the deacons could find a young man who would like to be a "big brother" to Jonathan--do "guy" things with him. I would be happy to pay Jonathan's way if someone would spend time with him. And the deacons sent us Tom, who did just that for several years until he got married, had children, and became a deacon himself.

 There are other ways we can help:

For those in financial need--gift cards to grocery stores, for gas, cash gifts. As one who has been both the recipient and the giver of these kinds of gifts, I prefer anonymity. It can be awkward to receive the charity of another, and, as a giver, I'd like to think the receiver is thanking God for what I've given rather than me.

For those who have just lost spouses, especially the elderly--invite them to your house for a meal. It can be so very lonely; companionship may be the best thing you can offer. And don't feel that it's necessary to serve an elaborate meal or offer riveting entertainment. That lonely person will be happy just to be able to eat with other people and have someone to talk to. For widows--does she need help with home maintenance, car maintenance, financial concerns?

Can you help a single parent or a family struggling with illness by offering child care?

If you know of someone who is out of work, watch for openings at your company and let him or her know if a job is available. Do you have any home maintenance projects that you could hire an unemployed person to do?

The possibilities are as numerous and various as the problems that people have. I know I will never forget some of the kindnesses that have been shown to me and Katie and Jonathan during the difficult times. While we may not be able to solve others' problems, we can and must do something to help carry the burden. We mustn't kick people when they're down with our own indifference. And that leads us to my next post where I will describe some of the ways we actually hurt people who are down by our attitudes and actions.

But before that, if you have any creative suggestions for how we can help one another or special ways someone has helped you, please put them in the comments.

Top Ten Things to Be Thankful For

I like Thanksgiving. Some of my fondest childhood memories are associated with Thanksgiving at my grandma's house. I would often go to Grandma's house early, and she'd let me help her set the table with the special dishes we would use only on Thanksgiving, along with her decorative salt and pepper shakers. We'd gather with family, eat the special foods my grandma prepared, eat in the formal dining room (a rare thing), and then spend time playing games.

I don't often like to think about being a grandma because that would suggest getting even older--and neither of my children is quite ready yet for parenting. But I hope that someday, some little one will come early to Grandma's house, help to set the table with the pretty dishes, eat the special food that she makes, and play games after the dishes are all done.

And how does that tie in with my Thanksgiving top ten? Like this:

1. I'm thankful for wonderful childhood memories of Thanksgiving at my grandma's house.

2. I'm thankful that I still have my grandma's pretty dishes, and I'm thankful that this year we'll be using them for our wonderful meal. And I'm thankful in advance that everyone is going to be incredibly careful while they use Grandma Walborn's special dishes and not a one will be broken.

3.  I'm thankful to have a job.

4. I'm thankful for my family.

5. I'm thankful that my parents gave me piano lessons.

6. I'm thankful for my church and my pastor.

7. I'm thankful that our dining area faces east, so that in the morning, when we eat breakfast, we can watch the sun rise.

8. I'm thankful that we live in a neighborhood with sidewalks so that we can go on nice walks sometimes.

9. I'm thankful that I found some friends who wanted to have a book group. And I'm thankful for all of our get-togethers and all the great conversations we have.

10. I'm thankful that I have everything I need.

May you be blessed with many things to be thankful for--and with knowing the One to whom we give thanks.

Kicking People When They're Down, or Going Rogue on Someone's Pain

My friend and I have been throwing around the idea of writing a book about what not to say or do to people who are going through a time of crisis in their lives. While thankfully my life is relatively pain-free right now, I spent a lot of time in the nineties grieving the illnesses and deaths of my twenty-year-old sister and my thirty-five-year-old husband, so I know a little about pain and suffering. My friend has been having an extremely difficult year (an understatement) and is (unfortunately) an expert in suffering as well. I have to credit her with the subtitle for this post.

As old as history itself is the reality that we aren't always very good comforters in the body of Christ. Job's friends set a bad precedent, and we often follow their poor example--if we make any attempt at all to provide relief and comfort. Sometimes we hold back because we don't know what to say, so we don't do or say anything at all. Other times we spew cliches like "at least you have your health," "God is working this for good," or "God won't give you more than you can bear," thinking that we can somehow neutralize the bitter pill of God's providence with a syrupy sweet sentiment.

If we Christians are soldiers in a battle, why do we tend to shoot our wounded by spraying them with Hallmark-sentiment BBs? If we were in a literal battle and our comrade was gushing blood, we wouldn't try to help him by giving him jelly beans. And we would never commit the worst offense imaginable but one that happens often: abandonment. We add insult to injury, delaying recovery for the sufferer.

It is difficult to know what to say when someone tells us about a crisis he or she is experiencing. What we'd like to do for our friends or loved ones is take away the problem, but that's usually impossible. The best we can hope to accomplish is to provide some relief, but that's an important accomplishment--one that is our duty toward our brothers and sisters.

So what can we say? Unless someone comes to me asking for advice, wanting to talk through a situation, I restrict myself to the following, depending on the circumstances:

*I/We love you.
*I'm/We're praying for you (if I really am).
*Can I help you by? . . .

That last one is the key, I think. James tells us to show our faith by our works, and so if we truly see someone with a need, we'll do something about it. And because so many people are going through difficult times right now, I mean to share in future posts suggestions about what I've learned from my own experiences about what helps and what hurts.

I was thinking a few days ago about the things we say to people, and one of the favorite verses to quote is Romans 8:28, truly a beautiful promise that God will work all things for good for those He loves. I used to dread hearing this verse, even though I knew it was true. Those of us in the body of Christ are one, and we tend to forget (because we're not directly affected) that that person's job loss, the death of that person's spouse, her cancer diagnosis, their rebellious child--all of these are our sorrows too.

Is it possible that God is not just using that pain for the good of the one most directly affected but for my good as well? How can something that isn't happening directly to me work for my good? The Holy Spirit's work is often a mystery to us, but what I do know is that another's pain gives me the opportunity to show love, compassion, to be hospitable, to be a servant, to offer tangible gifts--all working for my good as I'm conformed to the image of Christ.

 We need to work on being better comforters.

Jonathan at Sixteen

On November 3, Jonathan turned sixteen. The last year and a half has been a time of great growth for Jonathan--physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Those who know and talk with him quickly learn that one subject that he is most passionate about is politics. In fact, at a recent parent-teacher conference, Jonathan's history teacher told me he sees him with a PhD in history or political science someday.

This year, Jonathan decided to put his interests to work (and he was also told by his parents that he was required to take up an extracurricular project) and has become the political analyst for his school newspaper. He's kind of a mix of Alex from Family Ties, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity. I'm working on introducing him to the writing flair of Peggy Noonan, but for now, he has a style all his own.

Since it was his birthday, Jonathan has agreed to be my birthday guest blogger. Here is his own recent article, reprinted from the West Michigan Lutheran Mustang News, entitled "You Lie!" (By the way, Jonathan was born on election day 1993; we're wondering if that might have something to do with his interest in politics now.)

You Lie!
by Jonathan Selden
Mustang News Analysis

As many of you remember, during a speech given by President Obama to a joint session of Congress, Representative Joe Wilson (from South Carolina) made his opinion of the president's policies outlined in the speech clear to everyone in the room. When President Obama was trying to put down several claims conservatives have made about the reform bill, he aptly brought up the situation of illegal immigration and reform. The president boldly stated that it was not true that illegal immigrants would be eligible for health care. Joe Wilson shouted out, "You lie," spurring some boos and a glare from the president.

Was this behavior acceptable? No, it was not. Was it deserving of punishment? It probably was. The Democrats pressured Joe Wilson to apologize for what he did. The South Carolina representative willingly did so. The House of Representatives then voted on a gesture of disapproval of Joe Wilson's reactions.

What was the truth value of Joe Wilson's statements? What was the truth value of President Obama? In reality, both sides were truthful, and both sides were wrong. The president's remarks were, in a sense, truthful in saying that the current bill does not allow illegal aliens to participate in the government-run program . . . Therefore, Joe Wilson was wrong to say the president lied.

However, . . . the language [in the bill] doesn't exactly forbid aliens from partaking in the plan.; illegal aliens just can't get federal help to participate.Congress struck down a measure proposed by Republicans that would require proof of citizenship to be able to have access to the government-run plan . . . Suddenly, . . . Joe Wilson's comment doesn't seem so bitterly partisan . . . It is correct in a sense that the statements made by President Obama were misleading . . .

When we all come of the age to be eligible to vote, it is important to question the honesty of each candidate. Even if there is no election, keeping the government honest is something that should be the responsibility of the governed, or risk letting the government for and by the people become a government for and by the governors.

A Hymn to God the Father

Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;
For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sins their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow’d in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I’ve spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:
And having done that, Thou hast done;
I fear no more.

~John Donne (1573–1631)