As promised, I'm going to close out this series by talking about something that is admittedly negative, but necessary. There are ways that we can respond (or not respond) to someone who is need that can add insult to injury. Those who have endured hardship know that for every kindness sent their way, there often is an unhappy story of insensitivity because of the way someone has responded to their pain. Just as there are as many ways to be a blessing as there are difficult situations, there are probably as many ways to cause pain on top of pain. Those that I mention here come from my own experience or from the experiences of people I know. While most people don't want to "kick someone when he or she is down," sometimes we do just that out of a lack of understanding.
1. Don't think that you must comfort someone by coming up with some clever new thought or some inspirational words that will cheer that person up. Often, there are just no words. And our feeble attempts to cheer someone often result in the opposite effect. If you find yourself talking with someone who is suffering and you sense yourself starting a sentence with, "At least . . ." you might just want to stop there. For example, we might be tempted to tell someone who has just lost a job, "At least you have your health." It may be true, and that person should be thankful for good health, but that probably isn't the best time to mention it. I've heard of situations where a parent has lost a child, and someone may say, "At least you have two other healthy children." As much as we'd like it to, gain doesn't compensate for loss. Having those two healthy children doesn't take away the pain of the lost one. Rather than trying to find that "right thing" to say, we would do well to offer help (see my last post), give a hug, and tell that person we love him or her and are praying for the situation.
2. We shouldn't set a time clock for someone else's grief. Often those who have never experienced a tremendous loss become impatient with another's grief. We really don't have any right to tell someone else how long they may grieve a loss. There is grief that is both healthy and unhealthy, and when we see a grieving person shutting him or herself off from the world, unable to hold down a job, and generally unable to cope, we should be concerned and see about getting that person some help. But grief is a part of loss, and there is no one timetable on grief. I realized earlier this month that my sister who died in 1990 would have been forty this year. And at the same time, I realized that this January will mark twenty years since her death. Twenty years later and I still miss her very much. And there are times when I still cry for the pain of losing her. My mom recently talked about a former co-worker who gave her a very difficult time after my sister died. Our family spent a lot of time on the phone with each other after Kristi died, just being there for each other. And our pain didn't necessarily wait until work hours were over. Apparently I had called my mom at work one afternoon, struggling over my loss. The whole time my mom and I were talking on the phone, this co-worker kept walking past my mom's office. After the call was over, she nastily informed my mom that she shouldn't be spending all that time on the phone. She thought she knew just how long our family should grieve our loss and wanted to assign the times when we could express grief. This same person later suffered a miscarriage and, having suffered a significant loss, apologized to my mom for the way she treated her. We need to be patient and compassionate with those who are suffering and not impose our own ideas about how long they're allowed to grieve.
3. We shouldn't abandon those who are suffering. This is, perhaps, the most difficult thing my children and I have faced. It's hard to imagine that close family members would actually abandon those who are hurting, but I'm here to tell you from personal experience that it happens. There are some close family members who basically have cut themselves off from us. One excuse I've heard is that when one family member is in contact with us, it reminds him of his own pain at losing Jon (my children's dad and my first husband). We've also heard through the family grapevine that others have abandoned us because they haven't heard that we've been experiencing anything particularly difficult, and "no news is good news." Those same family members ignored Katie's high school graduation and couldn't be bothered to even send her a card to congratulate her. So I guess that means that "good news is no news" as well. This selfish abandonment has been a great source of pain for both Katie and me especially. We feel like we have been punished because Jon died. These same people, had they been able to look beyond their own selfishness and superficiality, could have been a great help and encouragement to the children and me in those difficult financial, emotional, and spiritual times. Instead, they increased our pain with their callousness. And they've missed out on knowing what great people Katie and Jonathan are. I know that my parents also have family members who abandoned them after my sister died, and I've heard of others who have experienced this as well. Jesus had something to say about this kind of behavior in the parable of the Good Samaritan. As difficult as it can be to "be there" for someone who is suffering, we need to remember that Christ did not abandon us. How much more, then, should we continue to stand by those around us who are in pain?
Being able to minister to someone who is going through a difficult time is a calling, a privilege, and a great blessing. It is a thrill to think that God might use us to be a help to one of His children who is in need. There will always be those around us who need help because Jesus reminded us that in this world there would be trials, and we need to be prepared to support those who are down rather than "kicking them."
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