1. Never let a conflict go without attempting to resolve it as soon as possible. Even if you feel like you've been dealt the greater offense, your obligation is to go to your brother or sister and seek peace. As my pastor put it once, "The two parties involved in a conflict should be in such a hurry to make things right that they pass one another on the way to each other's house."
2. If the conflict does not involve you, stay out of it. Don't join a "side." The less you know about it, the better. However, if you do know of wrongdoing you should stand for what is right.
3. Don't assume the worst of a Christian brother or sister, but don't ever forget that anyone can fall into sin. It's easy to put people on a pedestal and follow them blindly--especially our leaders. But we know from Scripture that even the most steadfast, committed Christians fall into sin. Think of Peter, who on one occasion confessed that Jesus is the Christ and on another denied Him three times. Think of David, who respected the authority of Saul, even when he was trying to kill him. But David committed adultery and to cover it up, murdered one of his mighty men. If you know of a conflict between two parties, assume the best of each, and, if possible, talk to both parties (without gossiping) to see why they are taking the position they are taking. Never decide that one party is right and one wrong after hearing only one side of a situation, especially when both sides have a reputation of integrity and godliness.
4. A disagreement with someone does not release you from your obligation to behave lovingly and respectfully toward that person. Even if you believe you have been wronged, you have an obligation to uphold that offender's good name and treat him or her Christianly.
5. If you are a party in a conflict, don't go on a campaign to win people to your side. Do what you must do to address the matter with the other party.
6. In a church conflict, sin causes division. Those who have the courage and integrity to address the sin are not the dividers.Those who sin and refuse to repent when they are confronted are dividing the church.
7. If a Christian brother or sister approaches you because you have sinned in some way, and he or she is calling you to repentance, listen, and if there is any merit to what that person is saying, repent. This person's coming to you is God's grace extended to you. To despise His messenger and the message is to despise His grace. His greatest judgment, perhaps, is when He allows people to remain in their sin without warning them to turn from it.
8. Even if a party has sinned grievously and seems to be getting away with it, remember that God is judge, and He knows what that party has done. He will take care of it--perhaps not in this life, but in eternity. Do not become bitter, but take comfort. The Lord loves the righteous, and He knows all things.
9. It is never loving to ignore another's sin, to assist that person in covering it up, or to pretend that person's sin is insignificant. Those who have the courage to expose sin with integrity are the ones who are showing love to that person. "[Love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6).
10. Do not give in to the strong urge to take vengeance. Do not seek to ruin the person who has offended you by telling others what you think that person's offense is. If you seek to damage another's reputation among other Christians, often the result is that your reputation is ruined and you damage yourself. I personally witnessed an example of this recently where two members of an organization had a disagreement. One of the members wrote a letter to the rest of the members of the organization, exposing what he believed was the other member's "sin." It backfired on the letter writer; the rest of the organization's members no longer had any respect for the letter writer and gladly released him from his membership in the organization. They continue to hold the attacked member in high regard because they respect him for keeping his disagreement with the other member out of the organization. In fact, they admired him for the way he treated the person with whom he had a disagreement with respect and professionalism.
11. Don't discuss the conflict issues with your spouse close to bedtime. No one is helped by a lack of sleep.
12. Pray for the people with whom you have differences. It will help you to maintain a Christian attitude toward them.
13. Always remember that if your conflict is with other Christians, they belong to Christ. Treat them as He would.
14. Surround yourself with godly Christians who are not a part of the conflict. They will encourage you and help you maintain a proper focus.
15. Remember that you are a pilgrim. This conflict is for now, but not forever. It will end. We have been promised trials and tribulations in this life, but the Holy Spirit is with us and will comfort us.
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