What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?

It's an interesting place to be--this singleness as an adult. Especially as an adult with children. And so whenever the subject of dating comes up in a newsletter, a new book, in an article, or just in daily conversation, I'm interested. I'm also interested because I have a fifteen-year-old girl who thinks it sounds like a fun thing to do, but I haven't really had to deal with dating as a parent--only as a single woman trying to find her way.

It's not an easy thing to master--this dating thing. Conducted unwisely or carelessly, it results in far more pain than pleasure. And I've often thought that there must be a better way. So an article that I found today at www.Boundless.org shares some of the conclusions that I have drawn based on good and bad experiences, a lot of thinking, and a lot of reflection on just how God does want us to conduct ourselves with members of the opposite sex when we aren't married. The article, "What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?" by Scott Croft, an elder at the Capitol Hill Baptist Church, contrasts the differences between courtship and dating.

Croft defines courtship and dating, and then he discusses three broad differences beween what he calls biblical courtship and modern dating. Courtship, he says, begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father (or appropriate authority) and then conducts the relationship with the woman under that authority. Courtship has marriage as its goal. Dating, on the other hand, begins when either a man or woman initiates a relationship, with more-than-friends as the goal. The relationship is conducted outside of any authority. It may or may not have marriage as a goal.

First, Croft sees a difference in motive. The motive behind courtship is to find a spouse. A man initiates a relationship with a woman because he believes it is possible he will marry her; the courtship is to determine whether that belief is correct. Dating, on the other hand, may not (and often doesn't) have marriage as a goal at all. Recreation and fun are often the motivation. So in modern dating, the more experience a person gathers is good, because by trial and error we discover the spouse who is right for us. In this approach, people often become physically and emotionally intimate with many people before settling down with one. Croft, who teaches on this subject in his church, advises singles that if they cannot see themselves happily married in less than one year, then they are not ready to date. (And while I agree that a prolonged process is certainly not ideal, I'd be reluctant to be so assertive with a time line such as "less than a year." But I think his point may be the one I've made with my daughter, that dating is for those who are prepared to be married within a reasonable amount of time.)

The second contrast Croft draws is in mindset. Modern dating is selfish in nature--the whole process is about me. People approach members of the opposite sex asking, "Will this person make me happy? Have I done as well as I can do--or might someone better come along? What is the chemistry between us like?" Of course the biblical motivation for marriage calls for sacrifice (cf. Philippians 2:3, Ephesians 5:25). A man should be looking for a godly woman as defined by Scripture, one that he loves and is attracted to, but instead of asking, "How can I find the one for me?" he should be asking, "How can I be the one for her?"

Croft's third contrast is concerned with method, and he sums it up this way: In dating, intimacy precedes commitment; in courtship, commitment precedes intimacy. He addresses both emotional and physical intimacy here. In modern dating, he sees couples acting like they are married to see if, in fact, they want to commit to marriage. They share their deepest thoughts and feelings with each other, spend lots of time alone together, and become physically intimate. If it all works well, the couple gets married. But if it doesn't work out, the couple breaks up. And there can be several broken relationships before a person arrives at a lasting one. The goal with dating is to gather as much information and experience with a person as possible to ensure the right decision is being made. But this implies a marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. And much damage is done and many are deeply hurt by this type of relationship.

With a courtship, commitment precedes intimacy. In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul tells Timothy to treat younger women as sisters, with all purity. In this model, the goal of spending time together is to get to know one another so that the couple can make a wise decision regarding marriage, and conversation topics and activities should all have this in view. In relating to one another before marriage, men should not treat women as though they are their wives, physically or emotionally. The end result of this type of relationship is that women are treated with respect and are honored, even as they are being pursued.

Most of us date as young people who have much to learn. We often make mistakes as we grow into our adult lives and take more and more responsibility for decision making from our parents. There is a greater cost to some mistakes than others, and probably the costliest mistakes of all occur in our relationships with members of the opposite sex.

I've been in the unique position of being an adult navigating the dating world, and at one time, I believed that the modern approach to dating was the only way--a "necessary evil" for those who hoped to be married. I was aware that a few lonely voices were crying out that the courtship model was the way to go, but it sounded old-fashioned and silly to me--way beyond what was required. And having experienced both the modern dating approach and the courtship approach, I have to say that I've found courtship to be wiser and more meaningful than any dating relationship I have ever experienced. It's the way I'll be encouraging both my children to take, and hopefully there will be other parents out there who will be encouraging their children in that same way.