Not So Hard

I was talking to a mom of two little ones, and we were watching the younger one exercising his newly discovered walking skills and the older one was trying to tell me something, using her newly discovered skill of saying words. The mom observed that my Jonathan would be graduating from high school in a few weeks and asked how far Katie had to go before she was finished. I told her that after Katie finished her internship in Kalamazoo in September, she would have one more semester, and then she would be finished with college. She had a sad look on her face, and she commented, "That must be hard, having them grow up."

Hard. I understand what she's saying. Having cute little ones who are learning something new literally every day, who love you and want to be with you more than anyone, whose greatest thrill is crawling into your lap with a favorite book is an amazing thing. And I loved experiencing all of that with my children. But hard for me was having my daughter come home from kindergarten with the "homework" assignment of counting all the coins in daddy's pocket--and this young widow didn't quite know how to get that one done. Hard for me was reading all of the reports about fatherless teenage girls who often engage in premarital sex and get pregnant as they seek the male attention they aren't getting from a father. Hard was having to be the adult in the passenger seat trying to teach a teenage girl how to drive--a job I will always maintain is a father's.

And hard was knowing that no one was helping my boy learn to play sports. Hard was wondering if it was the right thing to let him go to the men's room by himself when he was too big to go to the ladies' room with me, but still so young. Hard was realizing that he wasn't having the opportunity to do "guy" things: go camping, do auto repair, hammer, and use a screw driver. Hard was wondering how this boy would ever learn how to be a man growing up in a home with two of the girliest mom-and-sister girls there ever have been. Hard was worrying about how I would get him through the teenage boy hormonal things (of which I knew nothing) and teach him how to shave and tie a tie. Hard was wondering how I would punish him once he was bigger than I was. When Dorothy of the movie Jerry McGuire complained to her sister Laurel, "Do you know what most other women my age are doing right now? They are partying in clubs, trying to act stupid, trying to get a man, trying to keep a man.... Not me. I'm trying to raise a man," I was whispering, "that's me" to the TV--after the kids were in bed and I was spending another evening alone watching a movie I had watched at least five or six times before.

I think, for the most part, hard is not the word. Perhaps it's relief some, and thankfulness even more. Thankful that God knew my limits and brought a father into Jonathan's life who has taught him to shave, tie a tie, and mow the lawn (okay, he's working on that one). Relieved and thankful that in a couple of weeks he'll be graduating from high school and plans to go to college in the fall. Thankful and relieved that he attributes his understanding of the gospel to that father. Thankful and relieved that the daughter has been spared the pitfalls that many teenage fatherless daughters fall into and is developing her gifts and finding her place in this world. Thankful and relieved that despite our driving challenges, she has her license, and thankful and relieved that when she's had a couple of accidents and some car issues, she's had a father to help her through.

So I understand where you're coming from, mom of two adorable little ones. It's hard to fathom a day when those little ones will no longer need you like they do now, when they own their own cars and would rather not spend Friday evening with you. But for a once-single mom whose kids have made it through to a place she feared they might never get to, it's actually feeling a lot less hard.

Changes

Because of our big move this coming weekend and--there's something the following weekend--oh, right, getting married, and then a week of honeymooning after that, this will be my last post as a single mom, the way I described myself in my profile when I started this little blog. Back on that cold winter morning in January 2007, I had no idea that I would ever need to change the profile on my blog because (1) I didn't know how long blogging would last for me; and (2) I had pretty much decided marriage was something that, if it happened at all, would probably happen when I was much older, when Katie and Jonathan had grown up and moved on with lives of their own.

I have to say that this is a change I definitely welcome, because I've never wanted to be a single mom, I've always desired to be married, and having Katie and Jonathan was the result of my being married in the first place. And even though single parenting has been the most difficult task I can imagine, I've learned many things along the way on this twelve-year unwelcome journey that I hope will make me a better wife and married mom. These are some of the most significant lessons God has taught me.

1. God does provide--but not always in the way we would expect Him to. When I was between jobs and had no health insurance for my family and worried what would happen if one of us were sick or injured, God provided by keeping us all healthy and injury free. When I worried about a godly male influence for my growing children, God put it in my parents' hearts to move from Ohio to Michigan so that my dad was here to fill in the gaps. And then He gave me the idea of asking our church's deaconry if there was a young man who would like to minister to Jonathan as a "big brother," and God gave us Tom, who took Jonathan under his wing. When I resisted working full time because I didn't want to take time away from Katie and Jonathan but finances made it necessary, God gave me a full-time job at Discovery House Publishers, the most family friendly employer I can imagine. And my boss, Carol (who is more like a friend), who has great experience as a working mom and grandma, couldn't be more understanding when family issues arise. God does provide, we just need to ask for eyes to see His provision.

2. Waiting for God to deliver what we need is always the best strategy. I mentioned that I never wanted to be single, and raising two children is a lonely and trying job. Out of loneliness I entered the dating arena (always a wrong motivation), lowered my standards considerably, and was hugely disappointed on a couple of occasions as I tried to take matters into my own hands and find a husband. I'm not going to argue that actively seeking a spouse is a bad thing, but a desire for marriage has to be rightly motivated, and if it isn't, it probably won't go well (as it didn't for me). When I finally sat back, relaxed, and learned to be content with God's plan for my life, He brought me Henry--but only when He had made me ready for him. God always gives us what is best for us.

3. God does give us what is best for us, even when it hurts. It's the stuff of cliche: We tell our children, "This hurts me more than it hurts you" when we punish them or give them medicine or take them for a vaccination. And when we become adults, we look back and are grateful that our parents steeled themselves and punished us, made us take medicine, and took us for our vaccinations. During a long stretch of unemployment, several jobs became available that I just knew would be perfect for me. When I didn't get those jobs, I was angry and disappointed. One of those jobs was at a bookstore that ended up going out of business a few months after I interviewed for the job. Do you think God knew that bookstore was going to go out of business? I can't imagine a job that I could love more than the one I have now. I'm encouraged to learn and grow, my abilities are appreciated, I work with wonderful Christian people, I get to write often, and I've acquired the greatest group of author friends who are so enjoyable to interact with. And even though during my job search I often behaved as a selfish child, God still gave this amazing job to me. Thankfully He reserved His best for me and didn't just give me what I wanted.

4. I learned to approach life more calmly with a better sense of perspective. When I was 28, my 20-year-old sister was killed in a car accident. When I was 33, I stood by my 35-year-old husband's bedside as he drew his last breath. Looking death in the eye like that makes you see things a little bit differently. Gaining perspective still didn't happen for me overnight because I had to learn the lessons of numbers 1-3 before I really got a handle on this one, but I think I'm on my way.

5. I learned that I actually could do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I could take care of a family. I could buy a house. I could find a faithful church when the one we were members of collapsed. I could work full-time and find creative ways of meeting my kids' needs--and I could be good at my job. I could teach my children the truths of the Word with the help of instruction from a faithful pastor, godly school teachers, and godly grandparents. I could take us on a vacation to Williamsburg, Virginia. And now I can be a good wife to Henry--because God will provide what I need to be a good wife.

So as you, dear readers, think of us in the coming weeks, pray for us--for a safe and efficient move into a new home, a happy wedding with lots of great and meaningful moments, peace for Henry as he assumes the role of husband and father and actually lives with other people for the first time in many years, obedience and understanding for Katie and Jonathan as they now answer to a father for the first time in their memory, and encouragement as the three of us leave behind a church and pastor that we have loved and join Henry at his congregation. Pray that I'll never forget the lessons I've learned in my single years, and that those lessons will make me an effective wife, mom, and editor. Pray--because another lesson that I've learned is that God hears our prayers and answers when we pray according to His will.

And in a couple of weeks, when I come back to my little blog, it will be as a married mom.

Visiting Widows in Their Trouble

It's been interesting, transitioning from singleness to "coupleness." Henry and I have had opportunity to attend several couples' events together now, and I have to say that I definitely enjoy going as a couple more than as a single. While I had finally come to terms with my calling to be single in God's providence, I always hoped that I would be called to marriage someday.

And now I feel an even greater responsibility to be an encouragement to those who find themselves alone, whatever the circumstances that have brought a brother or sister to this singleness. I find myself praying, "Don't let me forget, God, what it was like to be a single in the church." It can be very lonely, this being a single adult in the church. And yet in the church, we're called to be brothers and sisters to all, to fellowship with all, even though it can be a challenge at times knowing just how to do that.

And so I especially appreciate a couple of articles this week in Christianity Today written by Miriam Neff. She beautifully and honestly describes some of the difficulties that widows face with the new life circumstances they find themselves in here.

Be sure to read her second article that gives suggestions about what to say and not to say to be an encouragement. Several of her suggestions apply to those who are undergoing various types of trials.

Happy 14, Jonathan!

November has been a whirlwind, with concerts, conferences, finishing up my editing project, and taking kids where they need to be. But the most important date in November for us was back at the beginning of the month--November 3--when we celebrated Jonathan's birthday. It's hard to believe that fourteen years ago he was snuggling on my shoulder, the happiest little guy imaginable. In keeping with my blog tradition, here are ten things I love about my Jonathan.

1. His nose--Jonathan has always had the cutest little button nose. (I'm sure he'll love that one!)

2. His loyalty--Whether it's for his longtime Nascar hero, Jeff Gordon; his friend since fourth grade, Steven; his favorite restaurant, Taco Bell; or for his family, nothing can shake Jonathan's undying loyalty to the people and things he loves.

3. His interest in history--Interestingly, Jonathan was only 2 years old when his father died and really has no memories of his time with him. But he seems to have inherited his father's love for the study of history.

4. His compassion--Jonathan is not too cool to love babies and animals. And he wrote one of the sweetest e-mails I've ever read to a cousin who was going through a hard time. He genuinely cares.

5. His memory--Jonathan can memorize like few people I've ever known. This serves him well in lengthy Scripture memory assignments, studying for tests, and in recalling promises made in the distant past--particularly involving bribes of some sort from me. If only he could remember his homework assignments that well . . .

6. His growth--Unfortunately for him, I'm not talking about physical growth just yet. But I'm sure that it's coming. I'm talking about the little things that I see happening in his life every week that show me that he's becoming a responsible young man--and give me hope that one day he will be a responsible adult man. He's opening doors for his sister and me, getting better and better about remembering his homework, and getting fewer and fewer discipline cards at school for lack of organization. He's taking care of responsibilities without being asked more often. Step by step, Jonathan is growing up.

7. His seriousness about spiritual things--Jonathan understands the importance of knowing God and His Word, and I've been told by his catechism teacher that he listens well and asks very good questions in catechism class.

8. His ability to deal with the fact that he's the only male in a household of females. That's been a tough one for Jonathan, and a reality that has often broken my heart for him. I try to put myself in his place and imagine what it would be like to be an adolescent female in a household of males. It's unimaginable. But Jonathan has a grandpa who has been the man for him, so there has been a bright side to it all.

9. His nonconformity--Jonathan can only be himself, and he really doesn't seem to care "if everybody else is doing it, wearing it, listening to it, or watching it." He knows what he likes and how he wants to live, and as long as it's not immoral and within reason, it's okay with me.

10. His devotion to his mom. How could I not love that? A recent story: Jonathan found himself in math class taking a test and realized he had forgotten his calculator. Here was his dilemma: He realized that if he asked to get his calculator, he would get a discipline card, which would mean he was up to three, which would mean a noon hour detention, which means grounding for a week from the computer at home. He really didn't care that much if he did well on the test, but he realized that he wouldn't do well without his calculator. And yet he asked the teacher if he could get it and suffered all of the disciplinary consequences. Why? Jonathan told me that he knew I'd be unhappy if he did poorly on the test. And he'd rather have me happy and suffer personal consequences. "I sacrificed for you, Mom," he told me. He only got grounded for three days. What can I say?

And that's my Jonathan. While the blog posting is a little late, the love is always on time.

The Belmont Foundation

I made an interesting--and encouraging--discovery today. I was reading an article on-line about author Donald Miller (bestseller Blue Like Jazz) and found out that he has started a foundation to provide mentoring programs for fatherless sons.

Miller, who grew up without a father, has written a book about his experiences and reflections: To Own a Dragon. I haven't read anything that Miller has written. He's one of those 30-something popular writers who writes in that Christian stream-of-consciousness "let me share my story" style. I don't know how good his stuff his (it's usually a personal principle of mine not to read anything that tops the bestseller charts), but I am a fan of what he's seeking to accomplish through the Belmont Foundation.

Miller grew up in Houston, and his church there began a mentoring program for the fatherless. Miller says this influence in his life kept him "from a life that would have caused pain to many."

As Miller worked on To Own a Dragon, he began to think about the possibility of an organization that would offer formal mentoring programs to churches. The Belmont Foundation was begun to help churches develop long-term mentoring programs to effect lifelong change in the lives of fatherless children.

The Foundation's research has compiled some compelling statistics about the effect mentoring can have. Visit the Foundation's Web site at www.belmontfoundation.org for more information about Miller's vision. It's exciting to see that someone "who has been there" sees the church as the place where the fatherless should be able to find the help and support they need and is actively doing something about it.

Best City for a Single?

A special report on Forbes.com ranks the best U.S. cities for singles, and surprisingly, Grand Rapids does not make the top forty (yes--I'm being sarcastic). Some truly surprising statistics are included in the article, though. Singles in America make up 41 percent of adults age 18 and over. Also surprising: according to the report, most Americans can expect to spend fully half their lives unmarried.

So what factors shaped the selection of the forty best cities for singles? Forbes.com looked at the largest urbanized areas in the country and judged them on culture, nightlife, job growth, the cost of living alone, online dating, the number of other singles, and, what Forbes describes as an elusive quality, cool.

Of course the article explains that singles are no longer just those people who are somewhere between adolescence and marriage. Singles in America are a widely diverse group, ranging from those living with members of the opposite sex to those becoming single mothers by choice (and why any woman would choose to become a single mother will forever remain a mystery to this mother who had single motherness thrust upon her).

Once you understand the methodology the researchers used, it becomes obvious why Grand Rapids did not make the top forty. Here's how it worked:

*Coolness: Researchers asked adults from across the U.S., "Among the following U.S. cities, which one do you think is coolest?" NYC comes to mind for me, Chicago--but let's be honest. Grand Rapids and "cool" just don't go together, unless you're talking about the weather in May.

*Cost of Living Alone: This index was determined by the average cost of a metro area's apartment rent, a Pizza Hut pizza, a movie ticket, and a six-pack of Heineken. Entry-level salary data was also factored in. Interesting... If I lived in New York or Chicago, I probably wouldn't eat Pizza Hut pizza because there would be better options. Of course the six-pack of Heineken would be quite appropriate here in Grand Rapids.

*Culture: Determined by the number of museums, pro sports teams, and live theater and concert venues, as well as the university population. This speaks for itself.

*Job Growth: Determined by the projected percentage of job growth over the next five years for each metro.

*Online Dating: Determined by the number of active profiles in each city listed on dating site Yahoo! Personals. Speaking, unfortunately, from very definitely past personal experience, I've never checked Yahoo! Personals, but other sites don't seem to offer many Grand Rapids options.

*Nightlife: Based on the number of restaurants, bars, and nightclubs per capita. Fairly irrelevant category to the single parent with children at home.

*Singles: Based on the percentage of a metro's population above the age of 15 that has never been married.

And the top ten? San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Chicago, Washington, San Diego, Seattle, Dallas-Fort Worth, and Philadelphia.

In spite of the odds against me, however, this single girl has found Grand Rapids to be a most satisfactory location for singleness, probably because I'm having the most amazing dating experience of my life. And so for me, San Francisco, New York, or Chicago have nothing to offer in comparison to the elusive cool I've found right here in Cutlerville. And, to quote one of my favorite single parents, Forrest Gump, "That's all I'm going to say about that."

Adopt a Single Parent Family

Single parenting has been (and continues to be) one of the greatest challenges I could have imagined. Even though I'm a veteran, with eleven years' experience to my credit, some weeks I feel a little more "single parenty" than others--with this week being one of those weeks. There are no prep courses for single parenting, no boot camps, and yet the rigors of the experience are demanding and relentless. I'm no sissy--I've survived a graduate program, teaching junior high English, working the tomato line at Campbell Soup Company (that's another blog posting), and doing data entry for six months at an insurance company in Chicago--but nothing could have prepared me for being a single parent.

Through the years, a handful of genuinely amazing people have given support and shown understanding (my parents are at the top of that list), but overall, I would give most of the people in our lives--family, friends, and fellow church members--fairly low scores when it comes to being supportive. Always assume that there is some way you can help a single-parent family; we always need something.

And so for those of you who read this who are looking for some sort of service project or opportunity to serve, look no further than the single-parent family in your own family, church, or neighborhood. I'll be making some suggestions occasionally for ways that you can help. Here are some summer-related ideas.

*While financial difficulties have not been a big problem for our family (there have been a few tough stretches), they often are an issue in single-parent families. Summer is a time when many families like to be outdoors or take part in special summer activities. Rather than just writing a check or handing over some cash, buy a gift card to a gas station, restaurant, or hotel franchise or a pass to an amusement park, swimming pool, sporting activity, or even a season pass to a beach or area park that charges entrance fees. Pass it on to a single-parent family so they can have some summer fun and make some memories.

*Invite a single-parent family to go on vacation with you. I know that while our family has had the financial means to take vacations, there have been other issues that make vacationing difficult. When the children were younger, I was reluctant to travel distances because of the potential problems that might occur if something should happen on the road. I'm still the only driver in the family, so again, that limits the distances I'm willing to travel by car. It can also be difficult to take children to busy places like amusement parks when you're the only adult to keep an eye on things. There are three of us, so it's difficult to go on rides, and it can be hard to watch two kids when there's only one adult (and that's especially scary at places like the beach where there is the potential for danger). And there is simply the companionship issue--you travel somewhere with two children, but there is no other adult to share the experience with. A vacation can be a lonely experience for a single parent and often not very restful.

*The easiest one of all--offer to watch the children so the single parent can get a break to do something summery fun for him or herself--play golf, go to the beach, go to a flea market, see a movie. While the kids are at your house, go through your summer hand-me-downs and see which ones will fit the visiting kids. It's also good for kids of single parent families to just be a part of a "normal family" setting. Meals, fun times, playing at the park--it's an entirely different dynamic, and a healthy one, to see how a family with two parents functions.

If you are looking to serve, you can provide a tremendous service to the single-parent family that you know. Be creative--there are probably even "smaller" ways than these suggestions that would be a huge blessing to a single parent.