The Dangers of Publishing

Danger and intrigue rocked the Christian publishing industry here in Grand Rapids today when Zondervan's corporate offices were evacuated after a suspicious package, emitting a foul odor, was opened in the mailroom.

Of course at our own publishing house we followed the breaking story with great interest. Some of our coworkers once worked at Zondervan, and the news writers on our local TV station's web site entertained us by, at one point, saying the package "omitted" a foul odor. For those of you who just aren't seeing the entertainment value here, these kinds of language slip-ups are incredible fun for us editorial types.

Also, the same web report featured a paragraph explaining that two Zondervan employees were being treated for respiratory problems (seriously! no laughing matter!); following that was a paragraph saying that other employees were taken to a Krispy Kreme office across the street for further treatment. And in a great gesture of charity and concern, the Rapid bus service sent two of their buses to the scene to provide a warm place to stay for the rest of the evacuated employees. (This may be a silly question, but why didn't they just go home?)

And so, as an editor at a Christian publishing house, ever mindful of the great risk I take every day when I go to work, I will be contacting my insurance agent tomorrow to increase my life insurance policy--before the insurance industry catches on and increases the premiums for employees of Christian publishing houses.

And so we are left with so many questions about what could have motivated such a horrendous attack. The following are my own theories:

*An outraged radical fundamentalist Christian has simply had it with gender-inclusive Bible translations

*A twentysomething is frustrated by the lack of authentic, relevant books and is seeking vengeance on one of the largest Christian publishers

*Someone has decided that forty days of purpose just isn't enough; "I need at least fifty days of a Purpose Driven Life!"

*One of those silly dogma-insistent people has taken great offense at Rob Bell's "creative" definition of heaven and hell in chapter 1 of The Sex God

*A collector is ticked off because she will no longer be able to add to her plush collection of "Jesus Loves Me" animals since Zondervan is discontinuing its 3-D line of Inspirio gift products

The theories are as endless as the Christian fiction mysteries that Zondervan publishes . . .

Postscript: One day later, we still don't know much more about the circumstances surrounding this mystery. But the Kent County Police Department has identified the lethal substance in the package. It is . . . DIRT!!!