Thoughts on Internet Dating

A recent poll by The Single Connection, Christianity Today's on-line singles newsletter, asked the question, "What are your thoughts on Internet dating?" Most responded that they were neutral, but there were those who have tried it and loved it (obviously those who have met the loves of their lives and married), and those who have tried it and hated it (obviously those who have either hoped to meet someone and haven't met with success or those who have had broken relationships that were formed via the Internet).

I confess: I have Internet dated. Obviously, however, my attempts to find a lasting relationship through the Internet have failed. But is it because there is something inherently wrong with Internet dating? Or was there something else that brought about the failure of my e-relationship?

Although I would never have wished it, I have nearly eight years of grown-up, post-marriage dating experience--most of it not that great. I have ended up on dates through a variety of means: well-meaning acquaintances, yes--the Internet, and even an insurance man who was impressed with me and hooked me up with his brother. Most recently, even my pastor has played matchmaker, and in all honesty, his handiwork has resulted in the most positive, happy dating relationship I have ever experienced.

But back to the Internet: Can it work? Can true love be found on the Net? Like any vehicle for meeting other singles, the Internet is just that--a vehicle. It can be used responsibly for meeting people or it can be used irresponsibly. It isn't the fault of the Internet itself that a relationship succeeds or fails any more than it's the fault of a well-meaning insurance salesman that his brother and I didn't make a love connection. This may be a little old-fashioned of me, but whether a relationship rises or falls depends on the people involved, regardless of how they meet.

So here are tips on Internet dating. They have come at a high price--my own experience, but you may have them for free:

*Join a Web site where you are likely to find someone who shares your values. Currently I am a member of Sovereign Grace Singles (although my profile states clearly that I'm interested only in friendship right now--and I've found this particular site to be valuable for making both male and female friends), which is not only a Web site for Christians, but a Web site for Calvinistic Christians. If you are a Reformed single, the likelihood that you will meet someone who shares your theology is greater on such a site.

*Establish boundaries before you ever place a profile on a site, and do not compromise them, no matter how attractive a prospect might appear. For instance, I decided long ago that I was unable to relocate, not because I love Grand Rapids so much, but because I have two children who call GR home. So at this point in my life it would make no sense to involve myself with someone who lives in Australia or Alaska. More seriously, set your theological boundaries; do not involve yourself with a person who would require you to compromise them for him or her.

*Move slowly and cautiously--just as you would with a person who lived nearby. Because people who meet on the Internet sometimes live at a distance from one another, there seems to be a greater sense of urgency in Internet dating. When it's only possible to be physically with a person in whom you have an interest on long weekends every couple of months, the temptation is to speed things along so you can be together; for committed Christians, this means marriage. Marriage is not the solution to being apart and wanting to spend time together. Finding a way to spend time together is the answer to wanting to spend time together. I have no sage advice on how to accomplish this, but marriage is permanent, not to be taken lightly. Exercise self-discipline and take the time to make sure you are making a good choice.

*Do not view Internet dating as your last, best hope. It does seem like those who do Internet date view this method of dating as less than ideal. (And since I'm currently enjoying a "local" relationship, I'd have to say I prefer it.) But if you embark upon Internet dating thinking that it's do or die, you probably will be willing to ignore the previous three suggestions, which could result in relational disaster. Simply view an Internet dating site as another avenue for meeting other singles, one more way of "getting out there" where there may be a potential spouse--or not.

*Be completely honest about yourself--what you look like, what you do for a living, past failures, future hopes. It is easier to be less than truthful on the Internet, but what is the point? If someone finds you interesting and has any sense at all, he or she, in the process of getting to know you, will eventually discover the truth. And when that person does, he or she will be angry and hurt, and you will be disappointed. When the time is appropriate, put it out on the table so that the person can come to know you.

More on this another time. Eight years of experience results in a lot of thoughts!